the sun rays were intense this morning baking my face after a cold sleepless night. I could not afford to waste to much time. the convoy was on its way. as I ate the last of my dull breakfast I thought back to why I was here. I had been approached by a large figure in a black coat he told me he had a business offer. I followed him into an alleyway. he told me there was a convoy travelling through the Savana tomorrow carrying expensive goods. he didn’t specify any further. he told if my men intercepted it and brought the valuables to him I would be paid handsomely. he asked me if I could do it. I nodded. he then stuffed a handful of gold into my pocket. it sealed the deal. “Mr Lombard” my right-hand man Alex smith was strolling over his tall lanky build. it was clear he was anxious. I knew how all of my men acted before going into situations we were today. his fist gave it away. “time to go do we think” I responded, “we don’t want to miss it”.
we lined up the spoils of the raid. the prisnors
Hi Laurie,
You have a nice compelling start to your story. You have done a good job at creating a sense of anticipation. Your opening line is particularly strong at setting up your scene. You have not kept that same level of detailed, descriptive language throughout however.
You absolutely need to focus on your capitalisation. You have not used capitals correctly throughout your writing. After every full stop you need to start the following sentence with a capital letter. Every name of a person or place must also use a capital letter. “Alex smith” needs to be Alex Smith for example. This is a major problem area for your writing.
There are times you need to watch your spelling. There are errors creeping into your writing.
Good start.